


They See Your Every Move

by indevan



Series: Rock Band AU [43]
Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Gen, Humor, Profiling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-06-19 21:30:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15518988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/indevan/pseuds/indevan
Summary: Elite profiler(/snoop/personal assistant) Jaco is tasked with creating profiles for the prominent bands at North Galaxy Records





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> as stated earlier, this past week was rock band au's one year anniversary and even though i already technically wrote the fic for that, i thought this would be fun

Hello, Jaco Patrillo here--ace elite personal assistant (even if King Kai won’t allow my business cards to be a business expense.  They have “business” right in the name!). I’ve been tasked by the record company to create profile sketches of various bands. Whis Lorde says that it will boost interest in the bands beyond their music and, honestly, what Whis Lorde wants, he gets.  If not because of his own influence, but his husband is  _ terrifying. _  Even before Beerus Lorde made his name as a producer, he and his brother toured in a punk rock band and he was  _ famous _ for getting into fights.  Sometimes during shows! Luckily not even Apetail has done that yet.  Anyway, these are my very,  _ very _ unbiased and completely objective profiles.  If you enjoy them,  _ please _ e-mail King Kai and tell him to give me a raise!

\--

_ Kakarrot Goku Son _

**Date of Birth:** April 16, 1993

**Occupation:** lead vocalist and guitarist for Apetail (“And a dad!”--he wanted this added when he heard they were making profiles for everyone)

**Height:** 5’9”

**Build:** Okay, so it’s entirely unfair that someone who drinks their weight in sugary alcohol and smokes practically a  _ bale _ of weed a day is that fit.  Genetics are completely rude!

**Other Notable Features:** pierced left ear and several tattoos--the most notable being his sons’ names on either side of his collar bone.  Also that hair

**Known Relatives:** Bardock Son (father), Gine Son (mother), Gohan Son (adoptive grandfather, deceased), Raditz Son (brother), Chi-Chi Son (wife), Gohan Son (son), Goten Son (son)

**Notes:** ...I don’t know what can be said about Apetail that hasn’t already been said.  Kakarrot gets away with a lot with that face of his. He’s kind of disgusting, if you think about it, since his most notable introduction at the label was peeing in a trashcan.  Ridiculously talented, though, like all of them are. Unfortunately, my perception of them is colored because I always have to deal with the aftermath when one of their latest stunts gives King Kai palpitations

 

_ Vegeta [REDACTED] Prince _

**Date of Birth:** October 27, 1992

**Occupation:** lead vocalist and guitarist for Apetail 

**Height:** “fuck you” (of course, nothing can get by elite snoop, Jaco.  Meaning I looked at his license and it says he’s 5’5”--doubtful.  He’s 5’4” at best)

**Build:** like with Kakarrot, considering how much he drinks and that he seems to have a cigarette permanently attached to his mouth, it’s unbelievable that he’s built the way he is.  Also for someone so short, it’s doubly unfair that he’s that broad.  _ Some _ of us shorties are tiny!

**Other Notable Features:** a forehead so high you could write the entire preamble of the Declaration of Independence on it and still have room.  Also a pierced right ear, nipple rings (why?), and a few tattoos, apparently. Oh, and That Jacket that’s basically an extension of his skin

**Known Relatives:** Vegeta Prince (father), Argulia Prince (mother, deceased), Tarble Prince (brother), Bulma Briefs (partner), Trunks Prince (son)

**Notes:** Vegeta is a real piece of work.  That’s a nice way of putting it, anyway.  He’s grouchy, rude, and never minces his words.  It’s kind of admirable how little he cares at how he comes off to people.  Kind of. Like Kakarrot, he’s immensely talented and apparently taught himself to play guitar when he was  _ five _ by listening to his mother’s old albums.  Don’t tell him that, though. His head is big enough both literally  _ and _ figuratively

 

_ Raditz Toma Son _

**Date of Birth:** October 20, 1991

**Occupation:** drummer for Apetail

**Height:** 6’5”

**Build:** he’s a big hunk of man, that’s for sure!

**Other Notable Features:** HAIR!  Christ, his hair is ridiculous.  Apparently he’s never had a haircut.  He also has two nose piercings in the same nostril and a heart tattoo on the inside of his wrist

**Known Relatives:** Bardock Son (father), Gine Son (mother), Gohan Son (adoptive grandfather, deceased), Kakarrot Son (brother), Lapis Gero (fiancé)

**Notes:** Raditz isn’t too bad when his temper doesn’t get the better of him.  Apparently, it used to be bad, but he seems much calmer these days. He tends to be the member of Apetail who keeps the others from going too out of control.  With a brother like Kakarrot, it’s easy to see how he can fall into this role. The same can’t be said for his drumming, which is wild and uninhibited. I get tired watching him

 

_ Turles Karp _ (apparently there was once a debate if “Turles” is his first or last name but question no more!  Jaco, elite profiler, has discovered the truth)

**Date of Birth:** July 7, 1990

**Occupation:** bassist for Apetail

**Height:** 5’9”

**Build:** he is somehow between Raditz and Kakarrot in build and again!  Unfair! Where is the justice in this world?

**Other Notable Features:** multiple tattoos, some seemingly home done (hello, staph infections), and many facial piercings.  Apparently he has OTHER piercings, but even elite snoops have their limits

**Known Relatives:** he refuses to talk about thm.  Just mentioned his “bubbe” and then said that his band is his family

**Notes:** ...Turles.  King Kai tries to make light of it by calling him “a handful.”  I think he’s more of a liability. As wild as the others get, Turles outdoes them.  He seems to care deeply for those around him, though, which is a positive. Still, I can’t get over that shit-eating grin he tends to wear

 

_ Broly Paragus Leggenda _

**Date of Birth:** April 16, 1993

**Occupation:** uh, he’s officially listed as the keyboardist of Apetail but honestly there are few instruments he can’t play

**Height:** 6’7”

**Build:** finally some justice!  Broly is lanky and kind of slouches a lot, so it’s hard to see just how tall he actually is

**Other Notable Features:** surprising amount of piercings and an expression like he’s been told some bad news.  Also likes gold jewelry?

**Known Relatives:** Paragus Leggenda (father), Tichoka Leggenda (mother)

**Notes:** Broly’s kind of a man of mystery.  King Kai doesn’t let him do interviews anymore, which is fair.  He’s a musical genius, though, and he helped show me how to work Pokemon Go so I can’t be too hard on him

 

_ Lapis Gero _

**Date of Birth:** May 28, 1992

**Occupation:** lead vocalist and guitarist for Sadistic Dance

**Height:** 5’7”

**Build:** lithe and slender, like an asp, which is what it feels like when you cross him

**Other Notable Features:** the most intense blue eyes you’ll ever see

**Known Relatives:** Lazuli Gero (sister), Raditz Son (fiancé) “the rest don’t matter,” he said when asked

**Notes:** everyone in Sadistic Dance is kind of weird, but Lapis is super weird.  His hobbies are watching esoteric movies and smiling at people sardonically.  In fact, the only time I  _ haven’t _ seen him smiling like that is when he looks at Raditz.  Apparently he’s been through a lot if his punching out Cell at Apetail’s launch party is any indication (not that he didn’t deserve it!)

 

_ Lazuli Gero _

**Date of Birth:** May 28, 1992

**Occupation:** keyboardist for Sadistic Dance

**Height:** 5’7”

**Build:** she and her brother are identical, so...

**Other Notable Features:** her eyes are just as intense as her brother’s, and her hair is such a shade of platinum blonde that I refuse to believe that he’s the one who dyes his hair and not her

**Known Relatives:** Lapis Gero (brother), Krillin Oren (boyfriend)--again, she said “the rest don’t matter”

**Notes:** she’s very fashionable and also very private.  All of her social media is locked, which makes things hard even for an elite profiler…

 

_ Alexandrite Ribbon _

**Date of Birth:** May 10, 1992

**Occupation:** drummer for Sadistic Dance

**Height:** 6’6”

**Build:** he gives Raditz a run for his money in the “buff” category!

**Other Notable Features:** a rather interesting bright red mohawk and always a kind look on his face

**Known Relatives:** he’d rather not say

**Notes:** When I first saw this name on the list Whis gave me, I was confused who “Alexandrite” was until I realized it was 16.  Oops. He’s the silent type who likes nature documentaries and not having his boyfriend cheat on him. Cheer up! Love is out there for you, big guy!

 

_ Caulifla Brassica _

**Date of Birth:** July 31, 1997

**Occupation:** lead vocalist and drummer for U6

**Height:** 5’3”

**Build:** deceptively slight.  Having been on the receiving end of one of her punches, she is much tougher than she looks

**Other Notable Features:** multiple piercings and tattoos--also big hair that is possibly the source of her power

**Known Relatives:** Renso Brassica (brother), Kale Acephala (girlfriend)

**Notes:** honestly, she kind of scares me.  She’s very loud and forthright. There is something to respect at her pride in herself and her identity, though

 

_ Cabba Sadala _

**Date of Birth:** July 19, 1997

**Occupation:** guitarist for U6

**Height:** 5’6”

**Build:** slender, almost worryingly so

**Other Notable Features:** a few piercings here and there

**Known Relatives:** when asked, he said “my mom and dad.  Kind of typical” 

**Notes:** he has the makings of being a mess if he doesn’t watch himself.  Needs to learn from Apetails mistakes, not repeat them!

 

_ Kale Acephala _

**Date of Birth:** May 9, 1998

**Occupation:** bassist for U6

**Height:** 5’2”

**Build:** pretty slight and seems even smaller than she is due to how she stands

**Other Notable Features:** she has very piercing eyes when they aren’t staring at the ground

**Known Relatives:** she shook her head when I asked about them and them mumbled “Broly” as her family so, sure.  Broly Leggenda (brother??), Caulifla Brassica (girlfriend)

**Notes:** Kale is a quiet lesbian who loves Pokemon and her girlfriend.  She has a really lovely singing voice, though. It’s a shame she doesn’t have more solos on their albums

 

_ Yamcha Haiena _

**Date of Birth:** March 20, 1992

**Occupation:** lead vocalist and guitarist for Kame Kami

**Height:** 6’

**Build:** Just My Type (hey, I’m over 30, not dead)

**Other Notable Features:** interesting scars on his cheek and over his eyes that he won’t talk about

**Known Relatives:** Tien Shinhan (boyfriend), “I ran away from home--my parents never looked for me.  Do the math”

**Notes:** Yamcha is easygoing and has a good disposition despite his rather tumultuous upbringing.  Spending your formative teen years on the street, living in car can’t be great, but he seems to have a pretty sunny outlook!  Honestly, all of Kame Kami are dreams to work with compared to Apetail.  _ They _ never make fun of me or rope me into dumb slasher killer pranks

 

_ Piccolo Namek Jr. _

**Date of Birth:** May 9, 1991

**Occupation:** drummer for Kame Kami

**Height:** 6’4”

**Build:** he’s well built, but doesn’t show it off like some other drummers on this label

**Other Notable Features:** his drumming style is inspired by old school jazz and he always looks so serious.  Oh, and he’s always super well-dressed

**Known Relatives:** Piccolo Namek Sr. (father, deceased), Kami Namek (uncle)

**Notes:** Piccolo is quiet and serious and only speaks when he has something important to say.  He also doesn’t brag about the fact that his father and uncle were famous jazz musicians.  Piccolo always seems in control and cool, like nothing frazzles him. Except, weirdly, being around Kakarrot these days.  Maybe it’s time for the elite snoop to look into that!

 

_ Tien Shinhan _

**Date of Birth:** November 3, 1992

**Occupation:** bassist for Kame Kami

**Height:** 6’2”

**Build:** he takes care of himself and it shows

**Other Notable Features:** shaved head (often covered by a beanie), and a scar over his chest that he won’t talk about.  Other scars whose origins are more readily obvious are also on his chest

**Known Relatives:** he said he wants to keep his personal life “separate” and not have people bugging his parents.  Also: Yamcha Haiena (boyfriend)

**Notes:** Tien is a reclusive perfectionist, but it’s that drive that makes Kame Kami who they are.  He’s the founder of the band even if Yamcha is the frontman. He can sometimes be curt and rude even to someone just asking him if he wants a cup of coffee during a meeting but he’s very dedicated to his band

 

_ Krillin Oren _

**Date of Birth:** October 29, 1993

**Occupation:** rhythm guitarist for Kame Kami

**Height:** 5’0”

**Build:** Krillin and I have a lot in common

**Other Notable Features:** huh...not many?  He’s kind of a regular-looking guy

**Known Relatives:** Lazuli Gero (girlfriend)

**Notes:** Krillin is exceedingly nice and always tries to stay on people’s good sides.  He’s a decent guitarist and a better friend and person. He’s also the only person I’ve seen who calls Kakarrot “Goku.”  Everyone seems to like him--even Vegeta. It must be nice to be universally loved

 

**_Note:_ ** I wanted to do more profiles but King Kai said “That’s enough” and apparently the record company won’t let me just keep going and truly put my elite snoop/profiler/assistant skills to use.  Such a pity! Anyway, I hope Whis finds my completely unbiased reports useful and can have his husband scare King Kai into giving me that raise.


	2. Chapter 2

Elite snoop and profiler (and King Kai’s assistant) Jaco Patrillo is _back_ with more profiles at the behest of my employer--sort of.  Well, that, and he finally let me reach out to friends and family of the prominent bands on the North Galaxy label in order to make everything more thorough.  It was a shame that my skills were so limited, but I (and you) and worry no more. Also, this bonus work will definitely get me that raise.

\--

_Chi-Chi Son (née Mau)_

**Date of Birth:** November 5, 1993

 **Occupation:** server at a 24 hour restaurant

 **Height:** 5’3”

 **Build:** slight but mighty.  She looks like she does martial arts in her spare time

 **Other Notable Features:** She has really pretty hair.  It’s very shiny. And she has the scariest scowl I think I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen Vegeta in a bad mood

 **Known Relatives:** Gyu Mau (father), Lacta Mau (mother, deceased), Kakarrot Son (husband), Gohan Son (son), Goten Son (son)--also, needless to say that Kakarrot’s family are her in-laws

 **Notes:** Chi-Chi hates parties and music functions so I don’t know her very well.  When she does come, she tends to stick close either to her husband or to Bulma Briefs  I have, though, seen her mad a few times and honestly, I’m scared. I wouldn’t want to cross her

 

_Bulma Tanga Briefs_

**Date of Birth:** August 18, 1992

 **Occupation:** adjunct professor at Wukang University

 **Height:** 5’4”

 **Build:** Bulma held me a metaphorical knifepoint not to “be a dick” in this section.

 **Other Notable Features:** her hair is supposedly naturally blue.  I’m willing to take her on her word since I really don’t want to do any further investigation

 **Known Relatives:** Garter Briefs (father), Panchy Briefs (mother), Tights Briefs (sister), Vegeta Prince (partner), Trunks Prince (son)

 **Notes:** I don’t care for Bulma, but I also one hundred percent understand why and how she and Vegeta are made for each other.  I am terrified of what the future will bring with their son who is half of each of them

 

_Tarble Ignatius Prince_

**Date of Birth:** January 9, 1997

 **Occupation:** apparently he works at a vegan restaurant despite his favorite food being cheeseburgers.  Also he’s studying romantic literature

 **Height:** 5’3”

 **Build:** He’s smaller than his brother but still naturally has a bit of a stocky thing going on

 **Other Notable Features:** he looks completely innocent and guileless and then BAM!  He looks like his brother

 **Known Relatives:** Vegeta Prince (father), Argulia Prince (mother, deceased), Vegeta Prince (brother), Trunks Prince (nephew)

 **Notes:** Apparently this is the kid responsible for the sudden schism between U6 and Sadistic Dance.  Someone should teach this kid how to communicate his feelings--just sayin’. I wonder where he gets it…

 

_Bardock Son_

**Date of Birth:** March 16, 1976

 **Occupation:** construction worker

 **Height:** 5’9”

 **Build:** Daddy! (King Kai told me I could write whatever I wanted in these)

 **Other Notable Features:** Is it just me or do he and Kakarrot look exactly like each other?  They’re like some cloning experiment that went horribly right

 **Known Relatives:** Gohan Son (adopted father, deceased), Unknown parents, Gine Son (wife), Raditz Son (son), Kakarrot Son (son), Chi-Chi Son (daughter-in-law), Lapis Gero (future son-in-law), Gohan Son (grandson), Goten Son (grandson)

 **Notes:** Doing the math, I’m incredibly impressed that Gine and Bardock were able to have and raise two kids while they were still teenagers

 

_Gine Son_

**Date of Birth:** February 19, 1976

 **Occupation:** manager of a deli and cuts hair from home

 **Height:** 5’2”

 **Build:** very petite, yet able to command her far larger sons and husband

 **Other Notable Features:** none that I can think of.  She has a nice aura, though.  I met her at a record launch party and she’s very sweet.  She even said something nice about my suit

 **Known Relatives:** Bardock Son (husband), Raditz Son (son), Kakarrot Son (son), Chi-Chi Son (daughter-in-law), Lapis Gero (future son-in-law), Gohan Son (grandson), Goten Son (grandson)

 **Notes:** Like with Bardock, I can’t imagine having one kid at fifteen and one kid at seventeen.  I also can’t imagine being fifteen and giving birth to a baby undoubtedly as big as Raditz was…

 

_Vegeta Ignatius Prince_

**Date of Birth:** November 19, 1970

 **Occupation:** umm...some kind of business?

 **Height:** 6’1”

 **Build:** Now I see where his sons get it (not the height, though)

 **Other Notable Features:** one rocking goatee

 **Known Relatives:** Argulia Prince (wife, deceased), Vegeta Prince (son), Tarble Prince (son), Trunks Prince (grandson)

 **Notes:** The only information I was able to get about him was from Vegeta and Tarble.  One of whom was pretty open and the other told me to fuck off. Guess which was which

 

_Gohan Kakarrot Son_

**Date of Birth:** September 13, 2011

 **Occupation:** he’s seven

 **Height:** child?  He looks still too short to ride all the rides at Disney, anyway

 **Build:** also child?

 **Other Notable Features:** he seems to share his uncle’s aversion to getting his hair cut

 **Known Relatives:** Kakarrot Son (father), Chi-Chi Son (mother), Goten Son (brother), Bardock Son (grandfather), Gine Son (grandmother), Gyu Mau (grandfather), Raditz Son (uncle)

 **Notes:** any time this kid is in the room, if he isn’t watching whatever drummer is onstage with rapt fascination, it feels like he’s observing everyone in the room and judging them.  Is that normal for a seven-year-old?

 

_Goten Raditz Son_

**Date of Birth:** October 15, 2016

 **Occupation:** he’s a baby

 **Height:** like literally a baby.  He’s two

 **Build:** baby

 **Other Notable Features:**  okay, again, he looks exactly like his dad who looks exactly like Bardock.  How dominant  _are_ these genes?

 **Known Relatives:** Kakarrot Son (father), Chi-Chi Son (mother), Gohan Son (brother), Bardock Son (grandfather), Gine Son (grandmother), Gyu Mau (grandfather), Raditz Son (uncle)

 **Notes:** I don’t do well with babies, even toddlers.  One time Kakarrot asked me to hold him and he bit me

 

_Trunks Garter Vegeta Prince_

**Date of Birth:** November 13, 2015

 **Occupation:** tiny pain in the ass

 **Height:** he’s three

 **Build:** toddler

 **Other Notable Features:** his hair is purple, somehow and for being literally a toddler, his glare rivals his father’s

 **Known Relatives:** Bulma Briefs (mother), Vegeta Prince (father), Tarble Prince (uncle), Tights Briefs (aunt), Garter Briefs (grandfather), Panchy Briefs (grandmother), Vegeta Prince (grandfather), Argulia Prince (grandmother, deceased)

 **Notes:** he kicks me in the shin every time he sees me…

 

\--

 

I showed these findings to Whis Lorde and King Kai who said it was “too thorough” and “why did you profile a three-year-old?” but little does he know that it hones my skills as an elite profiler/snoop even more.  I told this to King Kai and he told me to go “profile” him a cup of coffee. I’m not appreciated in my time...


End file.
